I just finished a psychotherapy session with one of my clients who is recovering (well I might add) from an injury. Along with the physical symptoms, she has been plagued by worry and that is what she wanted to address today.

As we dove into the issue, her belief system surfaced and she began defending her worrying. It went something like this, “If I don’t worry, how am I going to be able to protect and care for my loved ones?” and “Sometimes when I lay here and worry about my health issues, I get an insight as to how to get the help I need.”

Coming from a Jewish background, all the emphasis on worrying seemed so very familiar and I know she isn’t Jewish so I said, “Sounds so much like the Jewish mother worry I grew up with but I know you aren’t Jewish.” She quipped back one word which made us both laugh, “Catholic.”

As we went back to the issue of her belief system, it occurred to me that:

A) Intense worry is an expression of hypervigilance, which is a trauma response akin to “flight.” It is based in fear and our thoughts race out of control to try and find safety. It sells itself as “I am taking care of myself and my loved ones.” The reality is that we are full of adrenaline and if we are sending energy to protect others, and ourselves it is frenetic and only adds static and confusion into the picture. To make matters worse, the static blocks our being in a place of peace where we might be more prone to tap into our insight to help creatively address the issue about which we are worried.

That led me to apply the same logic to “fight” and “freeze” and how they may appear for her in her situation as well and, as it turns out we uncovered them in the mix too.

B) There are times when she has intense anger and frustration, which is an expression of “fight.” I have always made a distinction between being “mad” and being “angry.” If I am mad, the intense feelings are controlling me and if I am angry, I can effectively use the feelings as an advocate. In her situation, she has temporarily lost the ability to drive as well as a lot of other normal activities and feels vulnerable, so as a protection, anger and frustration surface regularly.

C) “Freeze” comes up for her in two forms – she literally can get frozen into overwhelm and inaction through analysis paralysis and alternately she goes into denial.

As we explored this further, there is a healthy way to address these core drives, which we summarized as follows:

A) Replacing intense worry with healthy concern. Rather than spamming herself and others with adrenaline laced worry, to recognize that her intention is to broadcast love and protection. Loving concern emanating from her balance point can help her tap into her insight which can assist her in forging a direction to meet the concerns.B) Replacing intense anger and frustration with advocacy. One definition of an advocate is, “One that supports or promotes the interests of another.” When done from your balance point, it shifts one from being vulnerable as a victim to being empowered as a support and protector of oneself and others.

C) Replacing denial with a healthy assessment of the situation and to incrementally improve it. In her case, she temporarily is unable to drive. Denial helps her manage the despair but it blocks her from taking action. Another approach is to accept the temporary condition and continue to heal incrementally so she can eventually regain that ability and other abilities as well. If over time, some of those abilities do not come back online, then we will need to work on acceptance. At this moment in time, the jury is not out yet as to how she will eventually recover.

As she asked me to summarize the session for her I said, “It is like we learned as kids, ‘Stop, Look and Listen before you Cross the street.” What this means to me is when she notices for instance that she is in intense and ineffective worry that is akin to “Look” and “Listen.” She can then “Stop” and take action to change her behavior which in the old childhood adage is “Cross the street.” It’s fun to see how we can apply that principle at any age. Learn more about children development aids at the last link.

My wife has a part time weekend job and while she was at work yesterday, I cleaned the kitchen. Part of the job involved unloading the dishwasher and rinsing the dishes to get ready for the next load. I didn’t load the rinsed dishes into the dishwasher. My wife likes doing it her way. I used to see this as “peculiar” and it bugged me but when I shifted to seeing this as her being “particular” my life got a whole lot easier.

My wife is an artist and stacking the dishes efficiently is an art form to her while for me it is a chore that I want to get done as quickly as possible. She clearly does a better job than I do fitting everything in and, by stacking the dishes towards the sprayers as opposed to me jamming them in, the dishes get cleaner. I understand it now and I see her desire to load the dishwasher her way as endearing. We all are particular about almost everything in our lives. I am, for instance, particular about my coffee. I like a certain blend with just the right amount of cream and no sugar. That isn’t peculiar.

How does this play out in our work lives? Among other things, I manage an office building for a wonderful landlord. He wants the tenant rent checks deposited by the 5th of the month. I could see this as peculiar but when he explained that his mortgage payment is due on the 9th and he wants the checks cleared by then, I understood and knew why he was being particular about it. This teaches me that as a manager if I take the time to explain why things are done in a particular way, my co-workers can get on board and judgment and stress goes down. I call this going slowly to go quickly.

How does this play out in parenting? When my son was a teenager, he enjoyed playing his music loudly at times and I had a home office under his bedroom. When he was younger, it worked for a while to tell him to change his behavior “because I said so.” If I continued that stance when he was older, I would have come across as dictatorial and he would have had a peculiar “old man.” He understood if I was working that he could put on headphones or lower the volume and got it that I was being particular for a reason and that I wasn’t being peculiar.

Back along the way I worked for someone who was over the top particular. Everything had to be done a certain way and there wasn’t any rhyme or reason to it. To make matters worse, he was very caustic if I didn’t do it correctly and doing it correctly constantly changed without notice. I quickly came to see that he wasn’t particular, he was peculiar and I quit.

So knowing the difference between “particular” and “peculiar” can help reduce tension. Please note, knowing the difference between the two can also help your relationship with yourself. When I ask myself the question, “Am I being particular in this situation or am I being peculiar?” it can help me modify my behavior and get out of a rut. And finally, a modicum of “peculiar” can be endearing. Those differences are probably part of the foundation for the initial attraction in your primary relationship so try and remember to cut them some slack.

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Copyright © David Pasikov 2009

Living “Intention” vs. Living “In Tension”

The increased challenges that we are facing in the world can erode our sense of security. In the past we could chart our personal and financial lives with a reasonable amount of confidence. It is an understatement that things in the world are not as predictable as they once were.

Back in 1998, President Clinton said the following in an address to the American Association for the Advancement of Science, “Today the store of human knowledge doubles every five years. Soon, every child will be able to stretch a hand across a computer keyboard and reach every book ever written, every painting ever painted, every symphony ever composed.” That sounds like a good thing and it is but at the same time we must adjust to what comes with knowledge doubling every five years.

In a previous post I wrote about the Biology of Stress. In addition to the challenges of the Information Age, we also face uncertainty economically. My wife has her grandfather’s gold watch as a family heirloom. It was given to him after 50 year’s of employment in the same company. What’s the chance of any of us getting a gold watch for that today? I don’t need to list the categories that contribute to us living “In Tension”. Most of us know them all too well.

What can be done to find stability and security in this changing landscape? I have found that as my internal climate changes, my outer landscape reflects the change. I can’t control all of the externals in my life but I can control my internal reality. A cornerstone for me is something Einstein once said. He was asked what he felt the most important question was that you could ask another person. His response was, “Do we live in a friendly universe?” In other words is it a dog eat dog world with survival of the fittest or is the universe conspiring to support me? When I get out of reaction to external pressures and take stock, I have overwhelming data, that is way beyond coincidence, to demonstrate that there is a friendly universe. I have found that it is to my advantage to partner with that.

The following quote by W. H. Murray in the book, The Scottish Himalaya Expedition, written in 1951, speaks to the way partnering with the friendly universe transpires.

“But when I said that nothing had been done I erred in one important matter. We had definitely committed ourselves and were halfway out of our ruts. We had put down our passage money we got from our paystubs sample and booked a sailing to Bombay. This may sound too simple, but is great in consequence. Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe’s couplets: Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!”

Before Murray committed, he had an Intention. Architects and engineers say that “form follows function.” If I want to walk through a wall (function) I create a door or an archway (form). In much the same way I feel that Creation follows Intention. First we need to perceive what we choose to bring into our lives before we can bring the elements together to bring it into form.

When I used to live near the coast, I took up sailing and those experiences taught me a lot about Life. The wind and tides are outside of our control. Once we have an Intention, we can metaphorically trim the sails and use the tiller to reach our destination. Being pro active with our “Intention” and being good partners with the friendly universe can help shift us out of a life “In Tension”.

Copyright © David Pasikov 2009 Posted 11/1/09 on http://www.psychotherapistboulder.blogspot.com/

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Copyright © David Pasikov 2009

Over a year ago when General Motors was still a stock that was coveted for generations and virtually no one outside of the investment world knew who Bernie Madoff was, I created a seminar which I called “Tools for Turbulent Times.” I just had a sense that we were headed into uncertain times and a time of significant challenge.

As I continue to work with this theme of Tools for Turbulent Times in my own thought processes, I thought I’d write and share some of the guideposts that I am applying to my own life.

1) My wife told me yesterday that she went to the bank and the teller was doing a poor job of holding back tears. Everyone is stressed. I am being more conscious of being kinder to those around me.

2) Speaking of my wife, I am being more aware to not take my stress and inadvertently dump it on her. We are a team and need each other more than ever in these challenging times. Rather than pushing away those who are close to me, I am reaching out to them.

3) Keep the big things big and the little things little. In facing my current challenges, I ask myself these questions: “Is this stressor worth my health?” and “Three years from now is this going to matter?” If the answer is “no” to either one of the questions, then I re-frame my response to the challenge to, in a sense, let it be three years from now, now.

4) I know from looking back at other “tsunamis” that have swept through my life in the past that there always is a silver lining to the challenge. I have enough trust in Life to know that the same is true with my current challenges. At some point I will look back at these turbulent times and see that there is a silver lining to this as well.

5) I have always been fascinated by the physics of the bicycle wheel. The three core parts are the hub, the spokes and the rim. The spokes are virtually little strands of metal. It is puzzling to me that this little strand of metal can support my weight. The secret lies in the physics and how the spoke that is taking the weight transfers the force to the hub and the hub distributes the stress to the other spokes. Each spoke takes a turn as the wheel spins. As the wheel of Life is spinning now, for a lot of us, the load on our individual spokes has significantly increased. For me the hub represents my spiritual core and the spokes are my close friends and the professional consultants whom I consider to be my support team. Some of you who follow this blog are on my support team so, thank you.

6) If you go back to my last post on the “Biology of Stress,” I wrote about the genetically encoded response to stress of “fight, flight or freeze.” In these challenging times, I am being conscious of not staying stuck there. For me the antidote is: to replace “Fight” with facing the challenge creatively instead of wasting energy in opposition, to replace “Flight” with facing the facts no matter how humbling they may be and finally, to replace “Freeze” with: exploring options, forming an action plan, and doing the work that is necessary to meet the challenge.

7) I also make space for the “State of Grace.” If you scroll back through my posts, I wrote about it that in my first posting.

I wish you well in these Turbulent Times. I am finding that the challenges are creating changes in my life. Where I have attachment, the changes are uncomfortable. Interestingly enough, in the midst of the discomfort, I am finding that some of these changes are welcome.

Copyright © David Pasikov 2009

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Copyright © David Pasikov 2009

The Biology of Stress

In these turbulent times, anything any of us can do to stay in our balance point is essential. In the last blog, I mentioned “fear management” as something that I have been giving thought to lately. The following article is something I wrote last year as a means of helping to understand what happens to us physically when we our fear mechanism is triggered.

Some of the reasons can be addiction such as gambling, it becomes a problem, it can lead to low self-esteem, stress, anxiety, and depression in which case you might need some help from a local clinic offering the best rehab for gamblers. Gambling, like alcohol and drugs, can become an addiction if you use it obsessively or feel out of control. Dopamine-releasing regions in our brains can be affected by gambling. A ‘vibe decent’ chemical that makes sensations of joy and prize. Our brain provides us with an emotional reward when we win a bet. It’s possible that other enjoyable activities won’t make you feel as good if you become addicted to gambling. Therefore, in order to obtain the same buzz, you will gamble.

Go back in time to when we as a species were hunter gatherers. Let’s say your ancestor was out picking berries when she hears the roar of a saber-toothed tiger and realizes that she is being hunted. Her survival mechanism, which has evolved over thousands of years, automatically takes over. Her hypothalamus sends a message to her adrenal glands and almost instantly she can run faster and jump higher. Her strength has increased to attack if necessary. Her hearing and sight are improved, and her brain is processing data faster. Evolution has also taught her that her best escape may be to “freeze.” Instinctively she knows that prey which remain frozen during a threat are more likely to avoid detection because predators primarily perceive moving objects rather than color.

Freeze appears not to be an option for your ancestor. Her respiratory system joins in to her defense and her nostrils, throat and lungs open up. Breathing speeds up for her to get more oxygen. Deeper breathing also helps her scream more loudly. The adrenaline doubles or triples her heart rate. This sends nutrient rich blood to the large muscles needed to run or fight. To reduce the threat of bleeding to death if she is wounded, the capillaries or tiny blood vessels under the surface of her skin constrict which causes her blood pressure to spike. To free up energy to meet the threat, secondary body functions such as her immune system, digestion and sexual function temporarily shut down.

The Autonomic Nervous System has two branches and, in order to save her, the threat has activated her Sympathetic Nervous System branch (Fight, Flight or Freeze). Once she is safe and the danger is over, she rests and trembles to re-boot her nervous system into Parasympathetic Nervous System (Rest and Digest) dominance. She has she shifted from “Fight, Flight or Freeze” to “Rest and Digest.” We know she survived because you are here.

Now imagine yourself speeding to work on a busy highway. Suddenly a reckless driver cuts in front of you, almost causing a collision and gives you a rude gesture out his window. Even though we are sophisticated members of the 21st century, the same mechanism that kept your distant ancestor alive kicks in for you. You have the same biological response to the threat except you are stuck in a “tin can” hurtling down the highway and you can’t safely freeze. You can go into road rage and try and fight or get back at the person but you are stuck back in traffic, stewing in your own chemicals.

Any perceived threat can trigger this mechanism. We can be at home and receive a call from the bank and suddenly we are in fight flight or freeze waiting for the bad news. The person from the bank is calling to say there is a bank error and $200 has been added to your account. Now you have to re-calibrate your Autonomic Nervous System from this false alarm. If we have a sustained time of real threats or false alarms, our Sympathetic Nervous System can keep firing and we can be what is called Sympathetic Nervous System dominant. In other words, our survival mechanism and its bio-chemicals can stay stuck in the “on” position keeping us poised to spring into action. This can lead to adrenal gland exhaustion and stress related disorders such as hypertension (high blood pressure) heart disease, insomnia, immune system ailments, migraines and sexual dysfunction.

A rule of thumb to help you shift from having stress stuck in the “on” position is to notice when you feel triggered and to ask yourself, “Is this perceived threat real or imaginary?” and “Is my response to this situation out of proportion?” If the threat is not immediate and if your response is out of proportion then apply stress management tools such as: breathing, speaking with a friend, exercise, journaling, taking a bath, re-focusing your attention onto something creative, reading a book etc. There are lots of stress management tools on the web and stress management will be a topic for a future article.

Copyright © David Pasikov 2008

www.psychotherapistboulder.blogspot.com
Copyright © David Pasikov 2009