I have been immersed in the strife occurring across the Middle East in recent months. This has given me pause to consider what the possible solutions are to these age-old conflicts. In order to find solutions, a logical starting point is to look at cause. Is what we are seeing competing interests over oil, the clash of religions, the clash of Western civilization and a culture that plays by different rules, or some combination of these factors?

As I was considering this recently, I recalled a story told to me many years ago by a close friend and Vietnam War veteran. He was an expert marksman and was trained as a sniper, which explains why one day he was walking down a jungle trail on his own. Ahead of him he saw a tan-colored log across his path and as my friend approached it, the log transformed into a king cobra. Before he knew what had happened, he was just a few feet away from the creature and, even though my friend is six feet tall, he was looking at the snake eye to eye. Later he would learn that king cobras can grow up to 18 feet long and that a third of their length can stand upright.

My friend had the reflexes of a seasoned combat veteran and could have aimed his sniper rifle and easily hit his mark. At the same time, the cobra could have launched and struck first, killing my friend. Instead, they each held their ground and neither attacked. Before long, my friend broke eye contact and, still facing the cobra, retreated back down the path the way he came. The cobra did not pursue him nor did he pursue the cobra. Each had presented a real threat and danger to the other (the venom from a single king cobra bite is sufficient to kill an elephant or 20 people) but neither of them attacked.

If, in modern times, one of our soldiers met a terrorist face to face on a remote path, would the same kind of outcome occur? I doubt it. And if our soldier backed down, based on what I have observed, the terrorist would see the soldier as weak and would become ever more brazen in his future attacks. On a larger scale, if an entire nation attempts to back away from conflict while the cobra of terrorism strikes again and again, I believe that nation has no choice but to draw its weapons.

I don’t know if the cobra saw my friend as weak. What I do know is that my friend told me the story with great reverence and respect for the cobra. And while I still don’t have answers to the present conflicts being played out on the world stage, I’m convinced my friend and that king cobra knew something we’d be very wise to remember today: our collective salvation very often lies in the astounding power of restraint.

I have had to admit to myself as a baby boomer that I have reached the stage of my life and the phase of my career where I am a silverback. In their natural habitat, silverback gorillas are the alpha group leaders. They each typically lead a band of five to 30 other gorillas and play a variety of roles in the day-to-day life of the troop. They are the decision makers, they mediate conflicts, they determine the movement of the group, and they serve as the protectors of the members of their troop.

Lately, I have been reflecting on my work ethic. At 64, I don’t seem to have the drive that I did when I was younger. As I look back on things I have done in my career, such as helping to found and eventually becoming the executive director of a residential school for troubled teens that kept me up until 2:00 a.m. most mornings, I know that I could never jump into that meat grinder again.

At this stage of my career, I don’t have the drive to work frenetically as I once did. I find myself being more contemplative and needing more quiet space to discern direction rather than making snap judgments. Thankfully, I still feel as mentally sharp as I always was, but my pace has changed. I am no longer addicted to adrenaline and, in fact, I am more measured in my approach to things. This is all because of the luxury rehab centre that helped me recover from my addiction.

Am I over the hill? No. Should I hang it up? No. The value that I bring to those around me as a psychotherapist, mediator and life coach is the quiet wisdom that comes from personally having gone through the school of hard knocks and from guiding many individuals and groups through life’s challenges as well. Where I once was a “mover and a shaker,” I now am a “motivator and an inspirer.”

The role of the silverback gorilla is to lead, to mediate conflicts, and to protect. Whether we are male or female, those characteristics seem pertinent to our species at this stage of life as well. I acknowledge my value even though my work style has changed. And perhaps there’s poetry in the fact that what hair I have left is silver indeed.

I was recently working with a client whose only son is going out of state to college soon. What I shared with her may be of value to others so I am posting this as a guidepost when facing empty nest.

1) Acknowledge that you have a done a great job “launching” your child into adulthood.
2) Assure yourself and your child that you still are family and that you are there as back-up as they move forward in life. In other words, they are on their own but not alone. The same is true for the parents. They are alone but not alone.
3) As parents, your job is to let them go and let the child know that their job is to stay in touch.

In all of this please take solace in the fulfillment of your role as a parent. Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet put it so very eloquently:

On Children
by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.